Day 175 of 365
I wrote this last night but forgot to post it, so I am counting it as writing every night. I have done this a couple of times before. If you follow me, you know, but. I swear, the puppy has me extra out of sorts.
It is the end of an era this Halloween. My son, who has challenged me with the most creative costumes possible since he was in preschool, did not go trick or treating tonight. Before my youngest, my oldest kiddo, my daughter, trick or treated from 1999 until the youngest started trick or treating. They are 12 years apart. So I have been trick or treating and walking the neighborhoods with a kiddo for 23 years straight. No more tonight.
I have a melancholy about this, but I think it’s okay. I celebrated my first Samhain to honor your ancestors and the dead. Growing up in Texas, I had always been interested in Dia Del Muertos, so I was excited to learn about Samhain, which is Celtic. Last night, when I lit my candles, I thought “this is a lovely tradition, one just for me, it feels like.”
And, after being a mom since I was 21, that seems pretty good. I am still going to miss those costumes with my kiddos, especially the youngest who had to do every single thing with flair, but I am starting to feel the shift in my life cycles, one that will eventually lead to a time when being a mom won’t be my primary focus in my day-to-day life. I teach a literature class where we read a story by Tillie Olsen called “I Stand Here Ironing.” Just this week my students were talking about how you give up yourself to be a mom, too much in our culture, they thought.
I am not ready at all to let go of my mom focus with my youngest, but I feel it in the air, so to speak. It’s both terrifying and exciting. What might I do with myself? I would like to maybe run a bigger “farm” of rescue animals. We’ll see.