The day after we process meat birds, there are always ghosts.

The emptiness is heavy, and we feel a mix of mourning and relief. The energy feels different for sure. One time, I was chatting with my Department Chair, and he asked a lot of questions about farming. I told him that one of the key things I have learned from farming is that humans have a lot of power and responsibility–maybe too much–when it comes to other creatures on this planet. We certainly don’t handle it well. I don’t know if I handle it well. I just keep trying my best all of the time and weighing decisions carefully, but I worry a lot about the way I handle my power and responsibility.

This morning, Ron and I got up very early to make sure the pardoned hen was doing okay in the coop with the rest of the flock. She was. Rooster liked her a lot, so she’s going to be great. Really, only one hen was mean to her. It was little Arwen, and I know that’s just because Arwen in the baby and the lowest in the pecking order. She has to make sure she doesn’t fall below the new girl.

Truly, we have the best flock. One of the perks of keeping your older hens long after they have stopped laying is that they have some wisdom and can help control the mood and culture of the flock. I am grateful to our old girls like Mary Jane, Emily, and Charlotte.

As Ron and I watched her, we talked. Ron said, “I don’t know if it was right to keep her just so we don’t feel so bad.”

But I told him that maybe it’s okay to do something to make ourselves feel a little better and that I truly thought she had a good chance of making it a few years. Even if it’s just a year or two, she gets to live in a little chicken paradise for that year or two. Ron agreed.

Interestingly, she’s a talker and has a cute little voice. It reminds me of a sound Yoshi from Mario Brothers makes, so I decided to name her Yoshi tonight. I had gone outside about dusk to make sure she figured out how to get back into the coop. She did, and I could hear her in there talking, making her little Yoshi sounds. I decided then her name had to be Yoshi.

Yoshi helps with the ghosts, but there were other ghosts this year. I wrote last night about how amazingly helpful our teenage son was yesterday. For years, he has not been interested in farming, but in the last few months, he’s been more interested. He has also asked to take a hunter’s safety course and go hunting. This surprised me a bit, but I also can see that he’s changing as he grows up and is trying to figure out who he is. I think he knows down deep, but I see him also working to conform to our standards (though we try to tell him he doesn’t have to) and to society’s standards (though we try to tell him he doesn’t have to).

Yesterday, our son seemed super human to me. I couldn’t believe the work he did and the way he handled it all. Today was different. Today, he was haunted by the ghosts, and the first ghosts are the worst. I wondered if he would be able to help us because he’s pretty sensitive, but yesterday, he was so determined and matter of fact. He was just sad today.

We spent a long time talking about grocery stores and how people don’t associate the meat in a store with an animal and why this is bad for animals and why we do what we do. It’s complex stuff for sure. We also did our best to listen.

He said he doesn’t think he will be able to go hunting, and we told him that was fine. It’s not for everyone, but I can see we live in a culture that is making our son feel that he has to do things like this in order to “be a man.” On this topic too, I do not know if I am handling it well, but I can say for sure that it is challenging to raise a young man in our culture.

We concluded that he would not have to help us again unless he was sure he wanted to. We can think about it again next year.

In the meantime, the ghosts were definitely present today.